Okay, I have to be honest, this verse tends to cause an eye roll in me when someone starts to read it. I thought that since it has been read SO many times in church that it had lost its meaning. But God has recently given me a new appreciation for its truth.
'For I know the plans that I have for you', declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.' In my NAS version, that's 28 words. 28 words that I believe can be summed up into two. 'Trust Me'.
I fail at that all the time. In the back of my head, I know that God knows best and that I ultimately want His will for my life more than I want my will. But in the moment, in the circumstance, I constantly battle with God over who is right and who is wrong. I'll completely ignore Him when He tries to lead me. I'll blow it off like it's no big deal. That for right now, I'm going to take control and He can be in control later. Pretty much the dumbest thinking ever. And even though I have learned that lesson over and over and over again, I still fail.
But in this past week, situations have happened that just caused me to break down and declare "I trust You". I was driving home one night last week, just crying and praying. I needed forgiveness for disobedience and for trying to live my life according to my will. I prayed that God would once again forgive me and be merciful on me and give me chance # 2,346,721 to do it right this time. I told Him that I trust Him and I know that what He wants for me is bigger and greater than what I can even imagine for myself. And that I am tired of standing in my own way. I told Him, "All I want is You. Whatever that may look like."
All of that is easy to say and feel when you're in the moment. I've prayed that way before. But this time, I'm trying my hardest to not let go of it. To pray that same thing every morning so that I don't lose focus. "All I want is You. Whatever that may look like."
Another verse we hear all the time is, 'Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart'.
God smacked me in the face with the truth of this one this week. Something I have been praying for and desiring for over a year now, has finally happened. And it happened because I finally stopped stressing about it, gave it completely over to God, and then He gave it back to me. But now that I have it, I'm terrified that I'll lose it for the same reasons God held out on me for so long. I don't want to lose my focus. I don't want to let something get in the way of my relationship with God.
This fast could not have come at a better time. I've given up Facebook, Myspace, and AIM for the three weeks leading up to February 1st. (Which, by the way, I get more and more excited for as the days go by). I'm thinking about continuing to restrict myself on the amount of time I spend on my computer after the fast because I have LOVED the God times I've been having. I've done fasts like this before and as soon as it's over I'm back in the old routine. I don't want to do that again. I want to keep this focus and connection with God that I feel. There is nothing like it.
God is SO good! And He is SO faithful! I try my hardest to forgive myself for not trusting Him sooner, because I know He already has. His will and timing are perfect and He deserves everything I have.
"High five, God!" :)