Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Priorities

Went home this weekend. My mom is doing really well. I can't begin to tell everyone how much I appreciate your prayers. They really worked. She's limited to what she can do, but she can get up and move around and such. I'm so happy. I was so scared. Plus, the doctor's think that they removed what was hurting her all the time so she should feel a lot better once she's healed. God really does answer prayers...
Speaking of prayers, I've been feeling really selfish when it has come to my relationship with God recently. I've been asking Him for all kinds of things, and I'm not really giving back to Him the way that I should. I have been spending little or no quiet time with Him. I am so far behind on reading my Bible it's ridiculous.
I always say I'm going to put a certain amount of time aside to spend with God, and then something comes up; sleep, food, t.v., the Internet. Stupid things of this world that consume my world way too much. I need to learn more self discipline. I need to reprioritize my life.
At Chi Alpha last week Mario was talking about how if we really want to see a revolution on campus then we have to start making sacrifices. One of the sacrifices he mentioned was time. Sacrificing 30 min or an hour every morning, instead of sleep, to spend in prayer and in His presence. Time with God should be the most important thing to me. Instead, I pray when it is convenient and I read my Bible when I "can find the time". It's pathetic and it's not how I want to live my life.
I want my life to reflect Christ. And that can't happen unless I know Him, His word, and His will for my life. I'm done putting petty things before my God.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Arms High and Heart Abandoned

So today I came to discover that Hillsong United is coming to Jacksonville in April.
There are no words to express how excited I am. It's going to be a night like no other. I know it.
Just thinking about it makes me long for the day that I will finally be able to worship my God in heaven, face to face, with all of my Christian brothers and sisters for all eternity. I can't even imagine. It blows my mind.... I can't wait!

Psalm 84:2
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God

Isaiah 26:8-9
8 Yes, LORD, walking in the way of your laws,
we wait for you;
your name and renown
are the desire of our hearts.
9 My soul yearns for you in the night;
in the morning my spirit longs for you.

Psalm 42: 1-2
1 As the deer longs for streams of water,
so I long for you, O God.
2 I thirst for God, the living God.
When can I go and stand before him?

Psalm 63:1
1 O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

I Don't Want To Waste Anymore Time

So a lot of things have gotten me thinking... We have so little time here on this Earth so show people our love, but more importantly the love of Christ.
There are so many people in my life that I don't say "I love you" to enough. I don't want to take my friends for granted. You don't know how long you have with them. I want/need to start cherishing every moment with them, every conversation, every laugh, everything. My friends and family mean the world to me and I don't ever want to give them a reason to feel otherwise. I'm going to try my hardest to not sweat the small things anymore. To not turn things that aren't a big deal into a big deal. I don't want to lose a friendship over it. That would break my heart.
This past week has also caused me to realize that I'm not sharing Christ with my friends like I should be. Many times when I feel like I could share or just say "I'm praying for you" or "Pray about it" or "It's all in God's hands", I don't because I'm scared about their reaction. And I shouldn't be. I shouldn't be too scared about telling people about Jesus. I need to be telling everyone. I want to live radically for Christ... but at the same time I'm scared of the repercussions. I wish I could only care about what God thinks about my life and that I could care less about what this world thought. I'm praying that God will change that in me. He's the only one who can.
It makes me sad that most unbelievers don't see Christians as loving. The really sad thing is that they don't have much reason to think otherwise. I know many Christians who are so conservative that they lose sight of our purpose: to live like Christ. Jesus didn't sit down with the righteous and he was constantly seeking out everyone the "believers" looked down on. Why should we do anything less?
Awhile ago Lance and Shaun both posted blogs about loving people. Shaun talked in his blog about how Jesus was the ultimate personification of love and how in the end those He loved betrayed and killed Him. He asked if we are willing to love people to our own deaths? My response was "I think we shouldn't’t be scared to love others. What others do with the love we show them is their business. I want God to look at my life and see that I loved others in spite the possibility of me getting hurt in the end, in spite of how others use the love I give. Jesus knew his end. He knew that those He loved would betray Him. And He loved in spite of us all. Our goal should be to love others like Jesus. No matter what the consequences."
And I still feel that way. What do we have to lose? ...Our lives? Think about what we gain.
Heaven. Eternity with our Lord. See my "I Don't Want To Be Lukewarm" blog for full details on what we gain.
I don't live out a lot of what I've said in this blog. I'm not very outgoing when it comes to meeting new people and like I said, I don't share my faith with others like I should. But I'm trying. I think that's all we can do.. Try our hardest and let God make up for our weaknesses.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Who needs a boyfriend when you have boy friends??

So today turned out to be so much better than I thought. I didn't have to deal with a bunch of sappy couples. I didn't really see any.
I got to spend some time catching up with my Bible reading. I'm way to far behind on that. I need to start being more diligent about that. It's so important and I put way too many things before my quiet time.
To summarize the rest of the night [sorry this is brief but i'm tired]
Donald came over, Jenny came over, went on a crazy hunt for Donald's car (ask about it! it's a good story), three of us plus Shaun and Lance went to Los Compadres for dinner, then to Lance's to watch a movie, then home.
Tonight was so much fun! Like I said in my previous blog, my friends are awesome. My Valentine, Miss Jenny Davis, gave me some delicious chocolates. yay!
I also got chocolates from Donald and a rose, a bear, and M&Ms from Lance. Hence the title of this blog. Having good guy friends when you're single on Valentine's day makes it so much better. You guys rock!
Oh! And shout out to Jenny for letting me borrow her computer. You're my favorite!<3
So this was pretty much my best Valentine's Day ever!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

February 14, 2007

**Disclaimer: I'm feeling emo. (This is my blog so deal with it. :)


So today is Valentine's Day. The day for everyone to deck themselves out in reds and pinks and eat ridiculous amounts of candy. The day for obscenely large "i love you" balloons and bouquet after bouquet after bouquet of roses.
But I'm not bitter. Noooo way. Helping out my friend bake 7 dozen cookies and a two-layer cake for her boyfriend didn't effect me in the least bit. I'm great!
I wish I could say that is true. I wish it didn't bother me that I've been single for the past 18 years of my life. I wish I could be satisfied knowing that God has an amazing guy out there for me and be okay with waiting for the day I finally meet him.
I'd be okay with all of it if it weren't for all of the "almosts" I've had to go through. Those are the worst. The one's where you think you have found someone you think something could happen with, and then just when you're really interested.... they disappear or you find out that they never felt the same way or you have no explanation for why that just blew up in your face. Those are fun.
I hate being emo like this but sometimes you just can't help it. I think today I'm just gunna try to make up for some lost time with my Savior. The only one who never disappoints.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Today

So for an update....

Church was once again AWESOME yesterday. While the sermon was slightly more uncomfortable than the previous one, it made me realize that it shouldn't have been uncomfortable(if that makes sense). Like Pastor Brian said, the two places sex should be talked about are in church and in the home. And to that i say "Right on!" The Church and the home are the two places that kids should learn about sex. Not school or the t.v. Children, and even people my age, have such a distorted view of sex and sexuality and I completely agree that it is time for the Church to stand up and say something.

Went to the FSU basketball game. Slightly disappointing. Our guys played really well but the refs were just terrible. We lost by one in the last few seconds.
Afterwards I made my way to where else- Lance's. I caught the end of the documentary they made while passing out fliers a couple weeks ago for BestSexEver.org. HUGE props to Donald. The documentary looks great!
Argued about where to eat for about an hour, finally went to Chili's, then delicious Cold Stone (Jenny you rock!), and then back to Lance's. It was a fun night. I could hang out with those people 24/7. They're pretty much the coolest. If you're not friends with them you're missing out.

Today was ok. I'm without a computer for a few days because my stupid AC adaptor stopped working and for some reason they can't just give me a new one and be done with it. As my AP Bio teacher would call them, "Communists". So I am on my roommates computer and I will be dependent on her and the library for my computadorial (yes, i made that word up) needs. Grr...

There were campus preachers in the union once again today. I had never seen a crowd gather like they did around this guy today. (It's probably because the preacher was having to compete with people who were reading from "The Origin of Species".) I didn't really hear what he had to say but i know he was shouting something that was condemning homosexuality and something about crackheads. I don't know. All I know is that they make me so upset. Nothing makes me more upset than someone distorting my religion and making my God look hateful instead of loving. I talked to Mark and Alex about it after the last campus preachers were here and they basically told me that we don't know what God's purpose for them being on campus is and that these preachers don't make students turn away from God, the students decide that on their own. And I understand that but the whole situation still bothers me. I can see how upset and angered people are and I am so afraid that what these preachers are saying is going to further students' desires to live for themselves and not know God. And it hurts my heart. Especially when I want more than anything for these people to know the love of Christ. And while I don't know if it is true, I just feel that these people are doing more harm than good.
But not only does my heart hurt for the students who are angered and turned off by Christians and Christianity, my heart hurts for the preachers. I don't know what their relationship with God is, but I feel like they must have some distorted view of God and the Gospel. I mean, the last preachers who were here, Jeremiah and Frank, I sat and talked with for awhile and found out Jeremiah really knows the Bible. He can quote the Bible more than most Christians I know, but I feel that if he knows the Bible so well then he should know that it tells us to share Christ through our love, not through condemnation and anger. But Jeremiah says that he believes yelling at college students is God's will for his life. And I can't say that he's not telling the truth. I don't know God's plan and what His purpose for all of this is.
I don't know...I'm so confused and upset by all of it.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I'm Done

I'm done.
I'm done pretending.
I'm done looking too far into things.
I'm done kidding myself.
I'm done trying so hard to then have everything blow up in my face.
I'm done with wearing my heart on my sleeve.
I'm done with trying to make something out of nothing.
I'm done believing the lies.
I'm done searching.
I'm done pretending.
I'm done trying to do this on my own.
I'm done with not giving all of my life over to God.
I'm done thinking that there is one part of my life I can control.
I'm done.

Friday, February 9, 2007

Oh What A Broken World We Live In

So last night didn't go as expected at all...
Started off with an amazing night at Chi Alpha. The worship was amazing and Ken gave a great message about "the best way to prepare for tomorrow is to obey God today" and how no matter what situation we find ourselves in, God will equip us with whatever it is we need to deal with it.
It was awesome.
Then Jenny and I headed over to Lance's for another night of passing out fliers on the strip. I was nervous and excited because I didn't know what to expect. About 30 minutes into passing out fliers, we run into this guy, "Casper". I don't know what he originally stopped us for, I think it was something to do with getting into one of the clubs. Lance started talking to him and he told us that he had just gotten out of prison on monday and how he was living at the shelter. I didn't hear why he was in prison but later on he told us that he has a son in Alabama that he says he can see whenever he wants but can't stay there because there are so many warrants out for his arrest in Alabama. He says he has a girlfriend here and that he would bring her to our church on sunday. I really hope they come.
Then another guy came up who began telling us his story. This guy, Frank, broke my heart. I didn't get to talk to him as much as Shaun and Chase did but from what I heard, his story is one of the saddest I have ever heard. He had been in prison for eight and a half years for involuntary manslaughter. He was driving drunk with his wife and son in the car, and got into an accident and they were killed. He's been on and off drugs for years, been through so many detox's, and is a recovering alcoholic. He came up to us asking for some pocket money for his bus ride to Leesburg where he was going to enter a program at a Baptist Church for a year. He was really scared about the program because he was basically cut off from the world and immersed in the program. But Shaun and Chase talked with him and prayed over him and I just pray that he did get on that and that he will stay in that program.
While we were sitting outside Gumby's talking to these two men, I was watching the people on the strip. The guys, drunkenly stumbling all over the place, and girls in the shortest skirts and tiniest tops (yay alliteration) that i have ever seen. It made me so sad. There is so much more to this life. There is so much more than alcohol and sex but there are so many people who don't see that. Or don't want to see it. That life is so empty. So unfulfilling. The saddest part of it all is that these kids know that there is more to live for. They know about God and what Jesus did, but they turn away from all of it. They would rather fill their lives with things that bring temporary "pleasure". It breaks my heart. Especially the girls. I just wish they would realize that there is so much more to them than how men see them and what society says their worth is.
I am so thankful that I was never sucked into that way of life. I am so thankful that I know God and that I have a purpose and a sense of fulfillment that this world could never give me.
God has in the past year put a burden on heart for girls, especially teenage girls. I'm going to school to work with juvenile girls. Juvenile girls are so broken and are so in need of someone to just be there and to listen and to care about them.
This is also why I'm looking into working with Diverge. The girls there are so fragile and in need good role models early and girls who are older that they can talk to who have been through the same things that they are going through now.
I don't know. I just want to do my part. What ever it is that God has planned for me.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Good Times

So today was awesome! I'm loving what we are studying in women's crime so it makes getting up at 8:45 not as hard. Intro to Crim was ok..nothing too exciting there. Had lunch with my friend, Donald. It was grand. I'm sooo excited that he is going to Italy the same time I am. I was really nervous about going and not knowing anyone and especially about spending 18 hours on a plane by myself. But God is faithful! After lunch, I went and paid off the rest of my trip so i'm all ready to go!... Minus the passport part. I really need to find time to go get that done. I'm such a procrastinator...it's bad.
Math was the only downside to today. I'm sooo gunna fail this next test. Functions = death for me. I've never passed a test on functions in my life. Ugh.
Made Jenny skip her class and go to Target. I woke her up the best way possible... you should be jealous. Went to Target. I got a tote and shoes. It was a good trip. Plus we rocked out to Self Against City which is always amazing.
Went to Diverge again. I really like it. At first I was really intimidated by the kids there. They are kind of crazy. But I think God solidified it in my heart tonight that I'm supposed to work with these kids. Teenage girls especially are where my heart is. I want to work with them for my career and I loved hanging out with the middle school girls at my old church. I'm really looking forward to finding out what all is involved with being a sponser.
Afterwards Jenny, Lance, Shaun, and I made our way to Chik-Fil-A once again (word of advice: never follow Shaun or Lance... trust me on this one). Then we all went to Shaun's so that Shaun could study Latin (ha). Sat around and helped Lance edit Worship 411 and gave our very important opinions. During which I serenaded them with my amazing guitar playing skills.
Took some awesome pictures. We are so cool.
Jenny was tired so we left since she has to work in the morning. Unlike me who gets to sleep in until 1:50! :D I love thursdays!
So that was my day. It was a great one. I hope this warm weather stays around for awhile. I'm definitely not a fan of the cold.

So i didnt know how to end this so here is what i came up with... Hope it makes you laugh!

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

[I can't think of a title]

i hate being mad at people more than anything. i don't like being upset and holding grudges but at the same time i'm not a person that let's other's walk over me. i dont know what to do...

On another note.. today was pretty uneventful. Woke up, took my a restest for math (got the same score i did the first time...oh well), crammed for oceanography, failed my oceanography test, went to psych, caught up with rachel, and then going to watch a movie with the love of my life, Jenny Davis. Molly Ringwald and Mac N Cheese = love. I'm so excited.

It was an absolutely gorgeous day today! I wish I could have enjoyed it more. Maybe i should stop sleeping through half the day ha. or not.... ;P

I have this friend I've been talking to for awhile about God and Christianity and such. He grew up in Church but he hasn't been really following after Christ. He's supposed to be coming to church with me on sunday and maybe Chi Alpha on thursday. I'm starting to see a real change in him and I can see God working on his heart. i'm really excited about it. I just pray that he won't ignore the pull on his heart.

yay for my boring life... that is all.

Monday, February 5, 2007

I Don't Want To Be Lukewarm: January 27, 2007

Passion 2007 this year was by far the most eye-opening experience in my Christian life. The first itunes bundle came out and I'm currently listening to the talk that spoke to me the most. Francis Chan I felt like was speaking directly to me. He addressed so many of the issues I had been dealing with.

One thing I had been struggling with was am I truly in love with God. I considered myself a Christian, but I felt like I was just going through the motions. I was going to church, reading my Bible, praying when I could, but I wasn't passionately pursuing Him. During Francis's talk, he revealed that he had dealt with the same thing. That made me sit up and listen. I couldn't believe that someone who seems so godly struggled with the same question. But it was so comforting. I felt like everyone around me had laid down their lives to God and that I was the only one who hadn't fully given themselves to God. I could feel God saying "You're not alone." He went on to talk about how if we are truly in love with God, serving Him shouldn't feel like service. That when you're in love with someone you should want to do everything possible for that person. You should want to give up all of your time, money, and love to the one you're in love with. And that if we are truly in love with God, that's how we should feel. I know I'm not like that. I don't devote nearly enough of my time to God. I often hold back from Him. Especially when it comes to money. It's like, I want to love and serve Him.. but only when it's convenient for me. And that's horrible! But in this country we are so spoiled and so wealthy and so free to do whatever we want that we take God and knowing Him for granted. There are Christians in other countries who are risking thier lives for Christ. They have to fight in order to know Him. We take having the Bible for granted. There are people out there who don't have the Bible in their own language and I have two. There are people who have to meet secretly in order to have a worship service and I've skipped church before because I was too tired to get up. It just made me so angry with myself. I felt/ feel so guilty.

Then Francis asked a huge question.... "Do you really want to know God's will for your life?" I think everyone around me had the same reaction... "Depends". If He were to reveal to you that He wanted you to go to the poorest countries of the world, to give up all that you have and all that you know, to give your LIFE for Him.. would you want to know that? At the time my reaction was "I don't know". It's scary. God has such a huge plan for us and they are drastic plans. Plans that can change this world if only we are willing to give up everything we have for His cause. I know, for me, I hate change. I like my bubble and stepping out of my comfort zone is not something I'm good at. I know there have been many times when I've heard God telling me to talk to a friend about Him and I've scared myself out of it. It's happend too many times. I am so spoiled. I hate to be uncomfortable. So to think that God would send me to a poor country with no air conditioning and bad food terrifies me. I was thinking about this as Francis was talking and I'm like "I don't know if I want to know God's will".

And then through Francis, God opened my eyes to what we recieve if we love Him with all our heart, mind, and soul. What our reward is for living a life devoted to Him.
Revelations 4:2-11 (John has been taken up to heaven and is telling us what he saw)
"At once I was in the Spirt, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper(a red stone) and carnelian (like diamonds). A rainbow, resembling an emerald, encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightening, rumblings, and peals of thunder. Before the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God. Also before the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal. In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third has the face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under his wings. Day and night they never stop saying: 'HOLY HOLY HOLY IS THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, WHO WAS, AND IS, AND IS TO COME.'
Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor, and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever."
And right before that in Chapter 3 Jesus says:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me. He who overcomes, I will grant him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne."
God says that if we give up our lives to Him, if we love Him with all we have.. WE GET TO SIT ON HIS THRONE!!! We get to sit on the throne of the one of jasper, diamonds, lightning, and thunder. The throne of the one who a million angels gather around to praise Him day and night. The throne of the creator of the universe!

I want it. I want it more than anything. I don't care what I have to give up anymore. I just want to be in heaven worshipping my God along side millions of angels and millions of other believers forever and ever and ever. That's all I want. No matter the cost.

If you can, I strongly encourage you to buy the Passion bundle off of Itunes. It's only like $3.50. Francis Chan will blow you away.

College Life So Far...: December 21, 2006

College = AMAZING!!
I have loved every bit of it so far. I have met some of the most amazing people ever and made friends i know i will keep for a lifetime.

The people in my dorm are the best. My roommate couldn't be more perfect. I absolutely adore her. We have become so close so fast. I don't know what i would do without her.

Rachel is my new best friend. That girl keeps me sane. I love her to death.

And the boys...oh the boys! ha. they are awesome! they are sooo much fun and always there to entertain me when i'm bored or need a distraction.

I started off college doing the normal college things. Going to parties, doing things i knew i shouldn't have, and just focusing on myself. It was fun in the beginning, but now all that doesnt seem as appealing as it was. I know that I was made for more.

The entire time i was engaged in those activities i could feel God telling me that I shouldnt be doing what i was doing. I ignored Him for awhile, but I couldn't for long. His voice was too loud. I could feel Him pulling me back to Him. He truly does never let go! So i have started going to church on a regular basis. And i've been going to Chi Alpha. i LOVE the people there! oh em gee these people are so amazing. The most loving, Christ-filled people i have ever met. you can just see the light of God shining through them. These people have made turning away from the sinful activities in college so much easier. Instead of partying on the weekends im in bradford oaks playing "Signs" or "Murder in the Dark" till 3 am. And i LOVE it!

I met my other best friend, Jenny, because of Chi Alpha. She's an answered prayer! God knew that i was looking for other Christian girls to be friends with and He provided! Jenny is so awesome. She makes me laugh like no other, and knows just what to say to make me feel better.
I've grown closer to God more than ever these past few months. I'm reading my Bible every day and praying more than ever. I'm really trying to get my heart right with God and in the right place before Passion. I didn't really go to Passion with the right reasons last year. I went because i wanted to be with my youth group and see Chris Tomlin and David Crowder. Even though once I was there God changed my heart and humbled me more than ever, I don't want to go there with the same heart I did last year. I've really been struggling lately with focusing whole-heartedly on God during worship and making worship more about Him than me. This year I want to go yearning for a closer relationship with Him. I want to grow closer to Him. I want to be that girl that I talk about on my profile. I want to be so lost in God that a guy has to seek Him to find me. He deserves everything i have and am and i want to give that to Him. And i think im getting there. There are still a few things that are preventing me from fully following Him. I'm slowly learning that i have to give those things up. That it's worth giving up those things. But i will get there...

On the academic level..i took this semester super easy. My schedule was amazing and the classes were a breeze. Ended up with 3 A's and a B+. Not too bad. Should have made the B an A tho. Oh well. Next semester is going to be harder. Hopefully i can get back into the routine of actually working! ha.

well that's about it right now. im sure there will be another update later on...

Speaking Boldly: December 10, 2006

"Come follow Me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men."Matthew 4:19

This is what the pastor at Genesis Church has been preaching about these past few weeks. So often, Christians are complacent in their faith. We stay in our Christian bubbles instead of going out and winning others for Christ. I know I'm guilty. I have done nothing to reach out to others. Even when God has clearly pointed out people for me to ask to church, bible study, or just talk to. I fail Him so often out of fear. Afraid of losing a friend, saying the wrong things, or being seen as different. And as Pastor Brian put it so plainly this morning, "Who cares?!" And he's completely right. We shouldn't care. We should be sharing this precious gift with everyone we possibly can. God is too great to keep to ourselves. I'm praying that God will change my heart. I pray that He will open my eyes and my heart to those who need to hear of our amazing Lord. I pray that the Holy Spirit will give me the strength to speak His words boldly and to not fear. I pray that my life will reflect my purpose: to know Christ, and to MAKE HIM KNOWN!

"Should I tell them that
You areThe One who has made me
And saved me to set up a home there inside
Should I tell them that I am
A perfect example of all
You can do with a life
What should I say to them,
what if I'm failing them?
What should I tell them tonight?"-Shaun Groves

Things Are Looking Up!

Things Are Lookin Up!! Current mood: content
I just want to say first of all, thank you to everyone who left me comments on my last blog. It really meant alot. Especially to Stephanie. Everything you said made perfect sense and really clicked with me and has changed my view of "feeling" close to God. Thank you so much!
Things have been going really well lately. My parents have been kind of gay but besides that my life is pretty awesome. It was great yesterday, not having to go to school! ha. I definitely was at the beach all day!
Eight days till my birthday! 18 finally! i cant wait. I'm going out both wednesday and thursday. it's gunna be a two day celebration! oh yeah!
I dont know what has changed but i feel nothing like how i felt in my last blog. i am so happy right now. i just feel fullfilled in every way. I think part of it is that i have realized who the important people in my life are and what amazing friends i have. Especially my youth group. They are so amazing. i love those guys more than i can possibly say. they just always make my day brighter just thinking about them. i only get sad when i think of the time i missed with them. i wish i had switched churches sooner. Im finally getting really close with these people and i leave in a week and a half. but still..i have been spending a lot of time with them and it has been a blast!!
I move on the 19th!! it's coming so fast. it excited and nervous at the same time. i can imagine what im going to experience. its going to be a complete change. it should be pretty awesome! my roommate seems pretty cool. we have the same taste in music so we should get along great. i need to find a good christian group there. i need a good foundation of friends that will hold me accountable and not let me get too crazy while im out there! ha. oh goodness. Growing up is weird!
well that is my update for now. <333

Downward Spiral: June 30, 2006

i don't know what's been going on with me lately. I feel like i'm in a self-destructive pattern that i cant seem to get rid of. i've lost the happiness and contentment i once had. I dont know if it has anything to do with preparing for college or because the days have finally come when i have to start saying goodbye to my friends.
Worst of all i feel like i am so far away from God right now. After the Passion conference i had the closeness and heart for God i had never known. I was happier than i had ever been. But as that event has drifted further and further into the past i feel like this sinful world has completely ripped me away from Him. My heart has become full of doubt and anger. Anger because i dont understand why God has prevented me from going to Palmer Home for the second year in a row. And people tell me He had me stay home for a reason, but I have done nothing significant this entire week. I've only become more angry and frustrated. And then i become mad at myself for being angry and frustrated with God and that just makes everything worse.
After Passion I promised myself that i was going to change the way i was living. That i was going to stop all the stuff that i knew was wrong. I did for awhile. But i'm back in that same pattern again. I used to be happy with the way i was living before Passion. Then my eyes were openned to how stupid, selfish, and sinful my actions were. So now i'm aware of my sin and i go through with it anyway. I'm living my life for myself again and not for Him.
I just wish i had that assurance back again. That assurance that there is more out there than just this measly life. That there is something magnificent waiting for me. i look around at how beautiful this world is and i think "something greater than us had to create this. This beauty couldnt have happend by chance." But then i think about death and become terrified at the thought "what if there is no heaven? what if there is no 'great beyond'? what if one day i wont see Jesus face to face?" those thoughts completely terrify me.
I just wish i had grown up in the church. i wish that i had known nothing else besides God since i was born because then i wouldnt have fallen into this whole i'm in. I would never have been subjected to this sinful world and then introduced to God and the right way to live. Because after having a taste for the godless life, it is so hard to turn away from it because it is so desirable. It's so easy. Living for God takes strength, and i dont know if i'm strong enough.
i've done some things recently that make me want to get down on my knees and beg God for forgiveness. But i cant find the words. I mean, what can I say? I knew what i was doing was wrong and i didnt stop myself. I just completely ignored the part of me that said "Don't".
I dont know what to do anymore and i'm too embarrassed to talk to anybody. Hopefully this will all work itself out in the end...

True Joy- February 09, 2006

It's hard to see how broken my friends are. How lost they are. It just breaks my heart. What makes it worse is that they arent even willing to give up the things of the Earth that they look to for fullfillment. They can't see that all they are digging in empty wells that will never satisfy them. Some dont want to see it. I wish there was some way i could just shake them and scream "True happiness can be found! Stop turning away from it!" Why people would rather go on with a huge hole inside of them completely befuddles me. It confuses me so much because I used to be just like them. I used to think like, "I can turn over my life to God when I'm older. I just want to do the things that make me happy right now." I know exactly how they feel. I just pray that God will open up their eyes, like he did mine, so they will realize that God wants all of us right now! And he deserves it!!
I'm not perfect. I dont claim to be. Even though i have given up the really bad things i used to do, I still fail everyday. Whether it be lying, lashing out on my brother, cursing, idolizing...it happens everyday. And i know I'm not the only sinner out there. I just pray that people know it is ok to not be perfect. That God loves them and will forgive all their sins if they just ask for mercy. He grants it freely. And mercy is free because Jesus payed the ultimate price. We are wiped clean because of Christ died. If that isnt a reason to worship, to pray, to give our lives wholely over to Him, I dont know what is.
God wants to fellowship with you. God wants to be your sole source of joy. All you have to do is ask. He waits for you to ask.
I dont know who reads my blogs but whoever does, if you dont know Christ, if you dont know the Lord of the universe, please never hesitate to ask. I pray each night for the oppurtunity to tell others about the complete joy I have found.
I love all of my friends so much and I pray that one day I will see all of them worshipping God and being compeltly overwhelmed with a happiness that cannot be found anywhere else.

I'm A Conformer

I've done the blogging thing on myspace but having your own website is so much cooler. I was recently introduced to a friend's blog, then another friend created one, and now I am jumping on the band wagon. Oh well. Plus I also have friends and family who do not have myspaces so this will be a way for them to know what all is going on in my life. Hopefully I'll have something interesting to write and I won't bore those who read it. However, I will warn readers upfront that said situation may occur. I ask for forgiveness in advance.

So this is the first official blog. Well it's more of an introduction than a blog. I'm going to post some of my previously written entries from myspace. Comments, thoughts, opinions are always appreciated. :)