Downward Spiral: June 30, 2006

i don't know what's been going on with me lately. I feel like i'm in a self-destructive pattern that i cant seem to get rid of. i've lost the happiness and contentment i once had. I dont know if it has anything to do with preparing for college or because the days have finally come when i have to start saying goodbye to my friends.
Worst of all i feel like i am so far away from God right now. After the Passion conference i had the closeness and heart for God i had never known. I was happier than i had ever been. But as that event has drifted further and further into the past i feel like this sinful world has completely ripped me away from Him. My heart has become full of doubt and anger. Anger because i dont understand why God has prevented me from going to Palmer Home for the second year in a row. And people tell me He had me stay home for a reason, but I have done nothing significant this entire week. I've only become more angry and frustrated. And then i become mad at myself for being angry and frustrated with God and that just makes everything worse.
After Passion I promised myself that i was going to change the way i was living. That i was going to stop all the stuff that i knew was wrong. I did for awhile. But i'm back in that same pattern again. I used to be happy with the way i was living before Passion. Then my eyes were openned to how stupid, selfish, and sinful my actions were. So now i'm aware of my sin and i go through with it anyway. I'm living my life for myself again and not for Him.
I just wish i had that assurance back again. That assurance that there is more out there than just this measly life. That there is something magnificent waiting for me. i look around at how beautiful this world is and i think "something greater than us had to create this. This beauty couldnt have happend by chance." But then i think about death and become terrified at the thought "what if there is no heaven? what if there is no 'great beyond'? what if one day i wont see Jesus face to face?" those thoughts completely terrify me.
I just wish i had grown up in the church. i wish that i had known nothing else besides God since i was born because then i wouldnt have fallen into this whole i'm in. I would never have been subjected to this sinful world and then introduced to God and the right way to live. Because after having a taste for the godless life, it is so hard to turn away from it because it is so desirable. It's so easy. Living for God takes strength, and i dont know if i'm strong enough.
i've done some things recently that make me want to get down on my knees and beg God for forgiveness. But i cant find the words. I mean, what can I say? I knew what i was doing was wrong and i didnt stop myself. I just completely ignored the part of me that said "Don't".
I dont know what to do anymore and i'm too embarrassed to talk to anybody. Hopefully this will all work itself out in the end...